Yesterday I let my four-year-old daughter use the bathroom by herself. In Target. 
 
I know some of you (perhaps including my husband) just gasped in audible shock and horror, and others might be Googling the number for CPS on their phone while they continue reading. It was stressful for me, too. I stood right outside the women’s restroom sign with our red plastic cart and her toddler brother (who was already eating the cheese sticks we’d just purchased two seconds prior), and I let her go for it. By herself. Without me. 
 
When I peeked in at her (okay, I caved), she was wiping her hands dry, a mountainous pile of surely no less than 15 brown paper towels mounding on top of the trashcan beneath her. She smiled, and said, “Mommy, you don’t need to check on me. I am doing just fiiiiiine.” 
 
And she was. 
 
Independence is important. And it’s a skill that’s built over the entirety of one’s young life through early adulthood. The earlier we build our belief in our own ability to do things (known in the psychology world as self-efficacy), the more successful we become. Or at least so says the research laid out in the book I’m presently reading called The Self-Driven Child, by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson. 
 
The book details an issue all too familiar to college admissions professionals and undergraduate freshman professors. A couple pages in, there’s this: “From 1960 until 2002, high school and college students have steadily reported lower and lower levels of internal locus of control (the belief that they can control their own destiny) and higher levels of external locus of control (the belief that their destiny is determined by external forces). This change has been associated with an increased vulnerability to anxiety and depression. In fact, adolescents and young adults today are five to eight times more likely to experience the symptoms of an anxiety disorder than young people were at earlier times, including during the Great Depression, World War II, and the cold war. Are things really harder now than they were during the Depression? Or are we doing something that is dampening their natural coping mechanisms?" 
 
But, it’s harder to get into college these days, right? 
 
Nope. Seventy percent of colleges admit seventy percent or more of their 
applicants. These colleges are good colleges that admit students who go on to to be wildly successful. More correlated with your future success in life than the “networking potential” of your alma mater, or the average income upon graduation, or the engineering ranking in US News and World Report are the skills of the individual student, independence and efficacy being some of the most important. 
 
There’s a terrible cycle at work here. We are fed the belief that becoming successful in life is harder than ever. We want our kids to be successful, so we sometimes operate with an “at all costs” mindset to provide them every opportunity. In reality, what we are doing is leeching control away from them. Yes, mom and dad would do the project better, but it robs the child of the pride of ownership. Yes, if we hold their hand up the ladder on the playground they won’t get hurt. But they also won’t learn as quickly their own physical limits. Yes, if you keep your high schooler’s schedule for them they won’t miss appointments and will be on time (important things!), but they also won’t learn (sometimes the hard way) how to get themselves there and the consequences of not doing so. 
 
Inevitably, at some point, our kids are going to be in full control of their lives. So many young adults are not at the level of independence they need to be by the time they are flung into a residence hall the next state over, and this worsens not only their beginning college experience but their likelihood for college completion ,and even, according to the research by Stixrud and Johnson, their lifetime potential for success. 
 
I believe that scary (for me) trips into the Target bathroom lead to her reading books solo, doing poster board projects and science fairs using the germinations born of her own ideas, feeling confident in keeping a schedule all her own, building healthy mentoring relationships outside of those with us as her parents, and finally on to a lifetime of really cool things because she will have learned she can (or she can at least try and see what happens). 
 
So let them go solo. Let them write their own essay. Let them be responsible for doing their laundry and making that appointment with the dentist. As parents, we have to continuously evaluate how much we are letting and encouraging our kids to take control of their lives. They will be better for it (and so, in the long run, will you when they are amazing and fulfilled adults.) 

Giving dynamic and inspiring presentations is one of our most favorite pastimes here at Guru. We have the wonderful privilege of giving a presentation tonight to an LISD high school for the lower grades, and we know there are lots of parents who won't be there tonight who would love this information, too! The information below is the handout that goes with this presentation. Happy learning and thinking! 

9th Grade: 
1. Support your student in choosing challenging but appropriate classes. 

• A student’s performance in his/her core classes (English, math, history, science, foreign language) every year is the most important data point in a college admissions decision.
• Draft a four-year course plan to chart out his/her classes. Consider looking at the classes required by some colleges to help you plan.Encourage your student to try out lots of clubs and activities. Try everything! Be sure to include some volunteering experiences.

2. Begin a resume draft.

• College resumes are different than job resumes.
• You can find a template your student can copy and use here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TWICCAn7FFAIyeV8iEtk9gHFBrSedJ65gp-A4EFGHbc/edit?usp=sharing

10th Grade:
1. Settle in to 2-3 activities. Encourage quality and being really invested in a  few clubs/activities instead of having a minor role in many activities.

• Aim for a community service activity. Encourage volunteering with the same organization on a regular basis.
• Get involved with at least one activity through the school. Colleges value evidence of students’ abilities to contribute to their academic communities.

2. Start exploring aptitudes and interests

• Try the Myers Briggs test at www.16personalities.com (free!)
• Consider aptitude testing at www.youscience.com ($29)
• Use the UT Wayfinder tool at https://wayfinder.utexas.edu (free!)

3. Update the resume
4. Take the PSAT in October. Use is as a benchmark, and don’t stress too much about the results. Colleges do not see the PSAT scores – they are just a tool to help your student begin to familiarize himself/herself with standardized testing and understand strengths and weaknesses in content knowledge.
5. Consider an academic summer program.

• Look for free ones – there are so many!
  • Engineering: UT MITE (http://www.engr.utexas.edu/eoe/recruitment/mite)
  • Engineering (girls): Create@UT (http://www.engr.utexas.edu/wep/k12/createatut)
  • Leadership: Caminos al Future at George Washington University (https://summer.gwu.edu/caminos)
  • Math: Texas A&M SMaRT Camp (https://www.math.tamu.edu/outreach/SMaRT/)
  • Business: University of Houston Explore Business (https://www.bauer.uh.edu/undergraduate/prospective-students/high-school/summer-camps.php)
  • Computer Science: Code Longhorn at UT (https://apps.cs.utexas.edu/camp/code-longhorn)
  • Pre-Med: Camp Med Academy (http://txaheceast.org/dfw/about/campmed/) 

It’s likely not a surprise that (most) students will have to write essays as part of their college application process. Yet, many are stumped when they see prompts like these:
 
“Tell us about the most significant challenge you’ve faced or something important that didn’t go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?” -- MIT
 
“The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?” – The Common App
 
“If you feel you are in a black hole, don’t give up. There’s a way out,” Stephen Hawking said. Describe a time you faced a problem that seemed impossible to solve. What did you do to find a solution?” – Oklahoma State University
 
These students wrack their brains, look at their resumes of successes, and freeze. The F-word! They cringe. Their whole lives they’ve successfully avoided any sort of failure (yes, that f-word) only to find it’s everywhere in their college essays! Is it a trick question? If they divulge a weakness are they dooming themselves to the “no” pile?
 
I’ve learned a few (well, actually a ton) of things having worked with students in the college application process for many years now. One of those things is that they don’t know how to fail, so when it does finally happen (and it will because life is full of failures), it’s debilitating—even crippling in many cases. Their self-image, self-worth, and self-confidence is blasted by what should be a normal engagement in appropriate exploration or risk-taking.
 
I’m saddened, deeply, when I hear of a student who diligently worked on an application for a summer research fellowship, gathered her materials and letters of recommendations, wrote and rewrote her essay with insight and depth of thinking, only to open her email to see, “On behalf of the admissions committee we wish to thank you for your application…” But I’m alarmed when the student devolves to tears and isolates herself for the following week, neglecting her studies and other activities.
 
Or when a student is not selected for a scholarship when one of their “less talented” peers is, and refuses to apply to anymore believing it’s a waste of effort and time.
 
Many students haven’t been taught they are not entitled to opportunity. In the great big world of adult-life, hearing “no” is normal. Think about what we know to be true (and important) in our lives as capable adults. When you are job hunting, do you send out one resume and wait expecting a yes answer? Do you expect even a response to each resume you send out? No. 
 
Do we only begin only those things which offer us a guarantee of success—do we want that for ourselves and our children? I’m decently confident the answer is no, and I think we as adults all understand and accept failure on a regular basis. But the question is this: how do we expect our children to do the same?
 
If we do not encourage and normalize failure in high school (or earlier), we are leaving them to figure it out on their own later in life – in situations that are less safe and more high stakes. Colleges know this, and they also know that failure is nothing to be ashamed of. Failure is the result of risk-taking, and exploration, and often curiosity. Failure is going to happen in college, in small, or maybe big, ways. And colleges want kids who are prepared to not only "deal" with that in a healthy way, but leverage the failure to improve themselves, their ideas, and their communities. Hence, there are lots of essays asking students to reflect on their failures. 
 
Here’s my suggestion: normalize failure. Let your kids get used to hearing no. And let it sting. I have little kids, and already I know how difficult it is to see my child upset because I’ve denied her something that would make her genuinely happy. I imagine that gets even harder as they get even older and work for things they may not end up getting (leadership positions, summer opportunities, spots in an admitted freshman class at an Ivy League school). Don't swoop in to justify their shortcoming by blaming other factors to preserve their egos (and sometimes our own). Let it simmer and shake, then let them move on.

They will fail, and you will be there to teach them and help them understand the failure in context instead of be there to fix it for them, as much as you may want to (or be able to – that’s where this gets really tricky. When parents have the power to fix their student’s failures, sometimes that’s not in the long run the best thing for the student).
 
Teach them instead to see the “no” as an acronym (I’m about to get cheesy on you, watch out). N.O. stands for New Opportunity. If you can’t do the thing you wanted to do (you failed--I said it! And it's okay!), try something else out. There are many ways to reach success, and no one guarantees that the first thing you try is the thing that will work. Teach resilience by helping them learn how to use a growth mindset in which they learn to view failure as a New Opportunity (a N.O. moment--cheesy right? But kinda spot on).
 
The added bonus is that they will end up with a killer essay topic for their MIT application.

There’s a Facebook group out there for parents of students who are in college or transitioning to college. Parents use it as a space to vent, find common ground, and ask advice. Frequently, parents post with questions about college, and other parents write in with their recommendations, eager to help others navigate a process that’s so complex as to feel insurmountable.
 
Here are some examples of advice given by various posters in the past week:
 
“AP tests and classes are tougher because school is trying to get them ready for the AP test in April. Freshman is pretty young to be taking AP. It doesn't matter how many APs she takes. Her un-weighted GPA matters more for college admission. She needs to keep her grades up.”
-----
“Ivy's [sic] have the advantage of connections, as do some elite schools. Also to factor is if your child wants to attend medical school (very competitive) then a name and the connections are worth it!”
-----
“Take both the SAT and ACT early and often. Scholarships and admissions are based on just the highest score on either test, and every point increase means an increase in scholarship money.”
 
What do all these well-intentioned pieces of advice have in common? They are wrong. Following this advice could/would leave to worse outcomes for the student (and family paying the tuition bill).
 
I want to use this post to give a strong caution in the crowd-sourcing of college admissions advice.  For whatever reason, there is a lot of misinformation out there, but no lack of people who are happy (albeit well-intentioned) in giving it. Following that misinformation could be to the detriment of the student. So what is a family to do? And where exactly can you get smart answers? Here are some ideas:

1. Talk to your high school counselor – Your counselor is your first point of reference for college counseling advice. If your school has a dedicated college counselor, then that’s your first stop. If you have a “regular” counselor (who does college plus everything else), first thank them – they are busy people who do good work. Second, ask their advice, too! I understand, however, that your counselor may be very busy with many students and may not have time to walk you through every step or give you one-on-one advice about your college list/testing/class choices. And sometimes your counselor may not be able to because she hasn’t been trained in college admissions counseling. But your counselor is still your first stop, and if you need more support or advice or knowledge than she can provide, she will let you know that, likely pointing you in a direction where you can seek out more information on your own.
2. The admissions officers at your colleges of interest – don’t be afraid to reach out. These are wonderful people passionate about providing good information and access (I know, I was one!). I think many students have a fear of asking a question because they think not knowing the answer is a sign of weakness that will tarnish their application once submitted. This is not true. Students, use the admissions officers at your colleges as resources to get  answers to questions about the process and the school/major/program you are interested in. One note of caution here: you’ll notice the advice is for students to reach out. Parents often want to do this for the student. Colleges may see this as a warning sign the student is not ready for the independence of college life. It’s hard, but the student has to be the one sending the emails/making the phone calls. And parents, we know when it’s you emailing from your student’s account – this is not our first rodeo (yes, that happens a lot!). :) 
3. Get advice from an independent college counselor -- An independent college can support families beyond what can be provided through school or other sources. Statistically, about 26% of students attending selective colleges use an independent consultant. However, as I remind families inquiring about services, this means most families do not. The process of applying to college and getting in is not an insurmountable task (even though I know it might feel that way), but you have to be smart about where you get your advice and be proactive about doing things right and doing them early. If you are considering a counselor, make sure he or she is a member of either the IECA or HECA. These are professional organizations that maintain high standards of membership (remember all that bad information being passed around out there? You won’t get that from a college counselor who belongs to HECA or the IECA).

 
I meet with many families during workshops, seminars, or in private consultation that report back information they heard elsewhere that is just flat out wrong. I don’t believe there should be a pay wall to getting smart information for college, which is why I find this so frustrating. If you ever have a question about college, whether you are a student on my “roster” or not, please send me an email. I am happy to answer questions. I started this business out of a passion for the power of higher education, and I believe all students deserve their best chance to get it. There are many sources of good information (high school counselors, admissions officers, college counselors), and what’s important is you find one. Resist the urge to crowd source, and empower your student to be a careful consumer and dedicated discoverer of his or her own information that will lead to the actualization of his or her own goals. 

​Parents: you know this on a rational level. The day your child wakes up in his dorm room as a college freshman will not magically turn him into a responsible and self-sufficient adult. He won’t suddenly spring from him bed unprompted with his homework complete and go eat his Wheaties in the cafeteria. He has to learn to do that before he gets there. The person your child is at the end of high school is that same person that will start college. That means the habits they’ve cultivated, the skills they’ve learned, and the etiquette they employ (or fail to) are the tools they are equipped with to succeed in their new environment.
 
It’s your job as a parent to make sure they are ready, and in this case, doing more means doing less. As your child progresses through high school you need to do less in order to allow them to do more. This is called a graduated release of responsibility. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s sometimes messy, but it’s necessary.
 
Not sure where or how to start? In our work with students we’ve identified a subset of skills we believe all college-bound students need in order to succeed.

1. Be in the habit of checking email daily. This is easy. Kids have phones on them. Help them set up a professional sounding email address and link it to their phone. What’s key, though, is having some meaningful information be sent via email. You can put in your child’s email address, for example, on the coach’s email list, or on the group emails sent from the high school counselor, or anything else. You can also email your child links to articles that are relevant to things you’ve discussed. If they are going to check it, there has to be information there worth checking. Cultivate that content for them to establish this habit.
2. Know how to keep their schedule. This is a big one. Kids can and should make their own appointments, know when those appointments are, and get themselves there on time. Kids need to learn to communicate with others to keep their commitments and prioritize their time accordingly. They will mess up; resist the urge to jump in and take over. We learn by doing, and that means mistakes. Mistakes are okay. Mistakes are good. Mistakes are learning.
3. Understand failure is normal. Failure is a normal part of life. But the perception of high-stakes in college admissions has many teenagers (and parents) petrified of failure. In business school, they teach you to pivot when you fail (because failure is more normal than success in business). Kids need to learn this in life, too. Failure is a sign to make changes, adjust accordingly, move forward in a different fashion, try something else. Failure is not a referendum on your propensity to succeed. Colleges don’t want perfect snowflakes (really). So embrace failure and teach your kids to pivot.
4. Think long-term. Teenage brains are hard-wired for short-term rewards. Model and practice goal setting, both short and long term. Teenagers are capable of doing it, but it doesn’t come natural to them, yet (not until their pre-frontal cortex is fully developed. This happens sooner for girls than boys).

Start now to help your student acquire these skills before you ship them off to college. Yes, college is a time for independence. But you have to equip them with the skills they need to thrive with that independence, first. Start releasing bits of independence to them gradually, knowing they will screw it up more than a few times. Then go practice your own long-term thinking by remembering it will all work out just fine in the end. Really.